3 issues with the 90-day rule that no one wants to address
Hey guys! Have you ever heard of the 90-day rule? If you have, I would love to know if you tried it and if it gave you the results you were looking for. But if you haven’t, then, before I even go to the issues that arise from it, I’ll just cover what it actually is.
“Not to mention the fact that thinking the only way to test men’s capability of being a good boyfriend, husband, father etc is by withdrawing sex, doesn’t say much about our own attitudes.”
So, the 90-day rule is something the American author and comedian Steve Harvey came up with. Initially it was directed to women, and it was based on the notion that if a guy is willing to wait for 90 days before he’s given any kind of access to sexual activity at the dating stages, then that would mean that he’s way more likely to be “boyfriend/husband material”. Not gonna lie, willingness here is arguable because usually the whole thing is done without the guy’s knowledge.
Now, it’s important to note that even though the 90-day rule was created for women, in this day and age I believe it applies to everyone. I mean everyone can use it as they see fit. People in heterosexual relationships, homosexual relationships, pansexual relationships, whatever.
So the thing is, you can test the 90-day rule, and you don’t really have anything to lose for doing so. However, there are three main issues that I uncovered from doing so. And although I believe it should be for you to decide if you want to wait or not, it’s quite important to look at the negatives so that you have a clear picture of what you’re signing up for. Let’s address this
Issue number 1 – bad sex.
We all know that women, as a rule, are biologically more emotional than men, which also means that, for us as women, engaging in sexual activity with someone is a big way of creating a deeper connection and we might become way more emotionally attached for the guy after sex happens (obviously there are exceptions to this).
But we do also know that in the 21st century, the notion that men are the only ones who enjoy amazing sex sessions, no longer applies. So the issue really is, imagine that you do wait the 90 days. And then after those 90 days you decide that it’s time. You prepare yourself, you shave, you buy the best lingerie there is, candles, whipping cream and all. I mean, the whole shebang (the list of clichés can be very long as we know). And obviously the reason why you’re putting in all this effort is because you made him wait 90 bloody days and you were also 90 days on the build-up. Fair enough.
And then it happens, and it’s now done. It’s the morning after and you literally feel so bad because the sex was actually shit! Now what? Seriously, let’s address this, you might argue that a relationship is not all about sex, and that’s a fair point, but let’s just be completely realistic. For some women sex is not all that, and as such if the guy is not so good in bed then that wouldn’t even be a deal breaker. But what about the other women that do think that just as with many other things, sex is in fact something very important for their happiness in their relationships? What happens now? And let’s be honest, when you get to a certain age, you can’t really be bothered to be teaching what good sex should look like. I mean, c’mon, we should all know the basics. Just saying!
So really, coming to the rescue of my “sex is important” people, I think it’s my duty, yes that deep, to give them the heads-up. And please don’t think that what I am saying is that I encourage people to just be sleeping around until they find a good match. What I am saying though, is that if you do prioritise the quality of the sex, then bear in mind that you might wait 90 days because you think it will fix all your past issues with men and send you a Prince Charming, and then the sex just doesn’t
quite do it for you. So I just want you to know that that is a possibility. And it might be a hard one to swallow. Literally!
So now, let’s move on to issue number 2 – did he really do it?
Let’s imagine this, right? If you are literally just getting to know this person, just someone you never met before, you know nothing about them yet, nothing about their past. So to make the example realistic, let’s say you met in a restaurant and started talking. And that’s all you have. A stranger that is making your lower bits tingle a bit.
Now, you guys continue going on dates and you are really feeling this guy. You reach the 90-days, you feel proud of yourself and proud of him. And you give it to him. You do, because you feel like a queen. You know, because he waited. Now, literally, I want you to come, leave where you are right now and come have a cup of tea with me, we need to sit down and talk about this, and while you’re on your on your way, bring your best arguments too, because at this point, I just really wanna know, how are you 100% sure that this guy has not slept with anyone else while he was waiting for your ass?
How will you even know? As far as we’re concerned the 90-day rule is not just to make him wait for you to give him access, but everyone else included! So how will you know that he hasn’t? As I said in the beginning of our scenario, you know nothing about this guy, he can say whatever he wants about being loyal, how he never cheated on anyone, I mean we heard all the sweet talk lines. But in all honesty, you know nothing about his tendencies.
And of course this is a pessimistic way of looking at it, but it is a realistic one. One of the things that were probably fuelling his patience is the fact that he was getting good juices from someone else. And at that stage he deserves some credit, because I mean he is living life, and for him it’s like Christmas right now because not only was he getting sex somewhere else, now he’s had the grand finale he’s been building up to. Your goods! And yeah, I just wanna let that sink in, as I smoothly slide on to the next and final issue.
And that’s issue number 3 – the peril of the 90-day serial shagger
If we link this issue with the second one it makes it very straightforward. So let’s say again, that you did the 90 days and while you waited he was taking a sneaky physical peak on another girl and living life like it’s summer 365 days a year. And you know nothing, literally you have no clue of his doings. So fast forward, you guys do have sex, because it’s the 90th day, and now, one week is gone, and he ghosted you? How do you feel now?
I would argue that if you were to sleep with him beforehand there would be way less of your time invested, because if he was to ghost you as he did, it would have been way earlier. Three months of wasted time is not fun, at all, and now he’s moved on to his next 90-day project (probably with a few others on the side)! Someone else might argue that they would rather waste three months of their life by waiting than to sleep with someone just to find out, and that’s a fair point too. We all have different opinions and perspective.
But let’s not dismiss the fact that it can be quite harsh on some people’s self-esteem if you invest all that time and emotion in something you believe is for the best, and then the person just literally vanishes. I can literally hear some voices saying “Oh but Miriam, I’m way too confident for something like that to happen to me”. And my answer to that is, it would be amazing if all of us had full control of our emotions and how we feel towards some events. But that’s just not the case.
So, in my opinion it’s simply not true that just because someone waits 90 days to have sex with you, that means they respect you and that they’re the right one for you. It can mean that of course, but I don’t think trusting to that rule is realistic. Not to mention the fact that thinking the only way to test men’s capability of being a good boyfriend, husband, father etc is by withdrawing sex, doesn’t say much about our own attitudes.
Even though might seem that I don’t personally agree with the rule, that’s not quite the case. You should do you at all times. I certainly do me, and if a 90-day rule feels right to me at some point, I’ll do it.
So, to bring it all together:
1. Do what suits you. If you’re someone who prioritises quality sex, and actually feel like bad sex is a deal breaker, then don’t do it. But if not, and you think sex is less important, then do it, if you so wish.
2. Be realistic. Whether you choose to do it or not. Just be very realistic about the possible outcome and be prepared to shake it off and move on if it doesn’t work out how you expect.
3. Self-respect also comes from being honest with yourself. Ask yourself why you want to do it? Is it because you fear being judged by jumping into physical contact too soon? Or is it because you’re tired of people using you so you believe this will fix it? Just be honest and that in itself will help you to make a clear decision.
And just to finish, I want to say that of course my three scenarios are just hypotheses but so is the 90-day rule. It’s an hypothesis that if the guy waits 90 days then it means you’ll have found the one and if he doesn’t wait then he’s a bummer.
But life and relationships really are more complicated than that, and too beautifully big and deep and wide for any rule to truly define.